Almost a year

A year ago this month I went to visit my nanny... I knew it was something important cause she told me on the phone that she needed to talk to me and couldn't do it on the phone... so of course I ran right up there... Then she preceded to tell me about the leukemia and even at her age (82) they could fix it and so on. Well as some of you know Sept. 15 (which is my birthday) my sister called me at work to let me know that one of the most important people ever in my life had at the most two weeks left.

I was devastated.. but right at that moment it quit being about me... and everything focused where it needed to go... my nanny and making her as comfortable as she could be.. there were very few days that me, my mom and sister didnt' go up there.. Sept. 22 she was put in the hospital and she looked at me and said you know I'm not going home... I wanted to say no you will be ok.. but I've never lied to her and wasnt' gonna start then.. Sept. 25, two days before her 83rd birthday she passed away.. it was a Saturday and my mom and i had left the hospital (I still say she knew I couldn't stay and watch her die so she waited till I kissed her goodbye for the last time and left)... Mom called.. and let me know, that she had passed, she didn't suffer thank God and that meant a lot.. I was in the shower of all places.. then I had the job of tellin my sister.. it was a rough day/night... I held it together until the funeral.. and cried like the little lost kid I felt like.. See as unfair as it sounds.. this traybug person was her favorite ... lol She would say seems to me someone's gotta love you a whole bunch.. might as well be her...

*smile* You guys would have loved this feisty lady .. She was cracking jokes up until the Thursday before she died... *smile* My sister was giving her grief (she had a urinary tract infection that her blood couldn't fight off anymore... so basically that is what ended up pushing things forward) .. and Melissa told her if she and Gordon (our grandfather) hand't always been having so much wild sex, she wouldn't have the UTI ... well lol God love that woman she never missed a beat and looked up at Mike (Melissa's b/f) and said "Ain't that just like Melissa.. All she ever thinks about it fucking and fighting" lol so to say we all died laughin is mild.. i was sittin on the A/C (room was full) and bout fell off, I was laughing so hard I was cryin, but in a good way...

I've been told I'm a lot like her, and I take it as the wonderful compliment it was ... She never met a stranger if any of you had met her while she was alive she would have told you to call her Nanny D (a name my Tyler came up with) and you would be her official "adopted" grand kids.. and welcome in her home any time.. She's where I got my sense of humor... lol foul mouth and smartass ways from... she loved her kids and her grand-kids and great grandkids.. but she was quick to tell anyone who asked that .. lol that little fat fingered tracey was her favorite and that my kids were the bomb.. I spend a lot of time with her when I could... and was always the one she knew she could count on... no matter what. I'd drop whatever it was and go running...

I'm going through all this again to ask you guys to be patient with me please the next month or so is going to be very rough.. I thought I was doing ok.. but then it just hit me and bam... GOD I miss her a lot... I know she's up there looking out for me and laughing whenever I do something goofy and crying whenever I hurt... I know its been a rough time for all of us.. another very dear person to me has had his own losses to deal with.. and I hope he knows we are all here for him also... huggsss and I think I'm done for now.. but if my posts are a little blue or bummed there's a reason behind it... *smiles* Its not going to be an every day thing I promise I'm a happy person most of the time.. and I see the silver lining in most clouds.. but *smiles* we all have our moments.. even that fat fingered lil tracey ... huggggsss tight and thanks for listening and for being there..